Oct 23, 2015

Words, oh words.

 “From this experience, I understood the danger of focusing only on what isn't there. What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been, because I'd thought of nothing but the Chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give.”

-Memories of a Geisha, Arthur Golden

Waiting is atypical. When you’ve waited a long time, the loneliness, the pertinent absence, becomes almost a part of you; a part of your everyday life. It ceases to matter anymore if the wait is leading you to something or it is just what it is, a wait. You’ve waited so long for your Chairman, that even when he comes he doesn’t suffice. Waited so long, that Love wouldn’t suffice. 

Apr 3, 2015


Chapter 1 |Control

I like a clean house. Everything kept in its designated place, appropriate or otherwise. I am a cleanliness freak. Yes.

No. I am a control freak. I like to control everything around me, a lesson learnt from the past, where I simply allowed things to happen. Today, I want to know what is where; how and why it got there. Everything I have ever lost has cost me sleepless nights.

If I break something, I should be the one to blame, not otherwise.
If I lose someone I should know I had it coming.

I am a human after all, there is only so much I can do. Of course , there are days when I let go, only if  very briefly, where I let the winds blow stuff away, sitting there appreciating the fury that is so much stronger than I am.

There are some days when Che decides to take over and mess everything up, I get defensive and try and take things in my hand, these are days when I fight with him, following him and picking up stuff after him. I hardly ever lose, but I like him winning more, I enjoy the days I let Che win over me.  

Chapter 2|Him

I got back in touch with a friend recently (and lost touch, again).We spoke about Him and life and love in general. I told him how furious I got when Muse identified himself and explained his stance to me, isn't it obvious after all these years and my God like personification of Him, that he isn't what I am obsessing about? It is,always was, Him which is given skins and bones by me

We got talking about the abstract and reality. How passion in abstract is so different from the reality. How reality is not half as fulfilling as abstract is. I experimented by trying to add tangibility to the abstract, turns out it is not a good idea.

I am not crazy, it is just that this feeling needs to be fleshed out more to be put into words. But then, it would cease to be abstract, no?

I hate Serif fonts. 

Mar 2, 2015


I always thought I will die on the road, hit by a truck/jeep when crossing the road. Then I have this recurring nightmare, where I fall off the stairs, it almost always wakes me up; and since it wakes me up, I don’t really see me dying that way, maybe thoroughly injuring myself, turning me into a vegetable (which is worse than ultimate death).

But as you grow older life dawns on you as scares, you open for yourself different avenues. Then your mortality stares in your face and you do not take death as something you joke about.

Coffee and Silence
 Death is absolute, life gives you chances, every day. 

Feb 20, 2015

too much ado about nothing =)

I should have kept on writing. 

I took up a pen and found an old notebook, it had my husband’s scribbling on it. I think he abandoned it unknowingly. You know, like so many things in life we pick up, thinking we need them, but just, very simply end up abandoning them without too much thought, as a matter of fact not even realizing that, that something has been left astray somewhere. See now, I am really writing, I am philosophizing over a notebook which my husband bought and left after filling in a few pages. . 

We live on the 16th floor of a new building. It further down a major arterial road and is frontal to a very busy, very tiny road. The building is so badly planned acoustically, that you can actually hear every single vehicle that passes by. Sometimes fights break out in the nearby slum when inebriated men lash out at one another, possibly hurling abuses at one another they actually want to hurl at themselves. I also hear dogs barking in the night, howling. Why do they bark so fiercely in the night and lay relatively calm during the day? Do they miss out on all the noise?
The height is good, I am sitting here in the balcony and I can see the rooftops of almost all the buildings in the vicinity. The breeze is an advantage, only that it sometimes too windy for my potted plants’ comfort sometimes, but hey that’ll only make them stronger, no?

I cannot wait for the rains, the air will be moist but cleaner, I cannot wait for the dust to settle. 

I shouldn't go too ahead of me, I have the summer ahead of me to sit out before that happens. 

Dec 20, 2014

of ketchup and haircuts.

  1. you have to seriously reconsider your cooking when your husband reaches for ketchup/pickle at every meal
  2. you can lose friends over a hair cut! [or earn their wrath =( ]
  3. 'stealing the thunder' is a real thing. 

enjoy the weekend you guys!

Dec 18, 2014

*will the real slim shady please stand up*

Okay, so i have been to a couple of couples to their annulments of their love 'affairs' (strange affairs) by getting married to each other. I tried to be happy for them but was difficult, the impending 'life' that awaits them when they'd have to live with each other, wake up calls to breakfast through the afternoon stroll phone calls till the dinner. 

Marital happiness is highly over-rated if you ask me. Worse still if you have the perfect 'partner'. By 'perfect' i mean 'worldly perfect'. When you know there are a dozen women/men your spouse can keep/make happy but you are just you.
More like the pair of 'perfect parents' who have been there, not too pushy - but, not setting up boundaries - but. You know what I mean right?

Perfect marriages are like Santa Clause, just like perfect bosses are. Out there somewhere, maybe, but just no one in your fictional chimney. 

The other thing I would like to ask is how long and how many times does the haircut therapy work? 
My hairdresser on my recent visit to the salon was devastated to have to cut my 'long' tresses. I told him, it is just hair it will grow back;

 -hair now, gone again-